Once upon a time, a beautiful princess was trapped in a dark, danger-filled forest by her wicked stepmother with no heroic prince to save her…
Friends, does this story introduction sound familiar? How about if I make a few changes and make the princess a wife, mother, and new stepmother? And what if the forest was the maze of family- blood and legal relation- that the woman had to navigate upon her own remarriage? Ron Deal in his book, The Smart Stepfamily, describes the traditional family tree complexity in a remarriage as the “stepfamily forest”. Just as in all marriages, there are in-laws, siblings, and new friends that can impact your relationship and family, in a remarriage, there is a whole new set of family complexity. What about the stepmother in-law, your husband’s ex-spouse, whose parenting and schedule have the ability to conflict with that of your own home and plans. You may have a new stepson or daughter who is still grieving the loss of their traditional family and would rather see their mom and dad get back together than lean into relationship with you. And what about your new mother-in-law, who continues to heap blessings onto her familial grandchildren, while forgetting your children, who are now half of your new family, creating even more conflict in your own marriage.
Often times, we see only the positive and look at our remarriage as an opportunity for a fresh start, a new beginning. We think as we move forward, we are starting from a clean slate and all the prior difficulty and chaos were left behind when our previous marriage ended. Sadly, that is often not the case. Not only do the people of our prior relationships often interfere with our new one, but unresolved conflict or ghosts of our past can also haunt us in our present day. Leaving a marriage may reduce challenges that existed in the day to day of your prior marriage, but especially if you have children, you still have a bond and interactions as part of your present. Additionally, many times the conflict and hurt we suffered in our marriage weren’t completely resolved and have the ability to confront us again in our new life.
And what about the prince? Is he your new husband, perfect and conflict-free? I’m sorry, friends, I’m laughing out loud at that one… we all know no human is perfect or without flaw. I would instead serve up Jesus as your prince, in all things, and absolutely in the chaos of the forest. There is only one way to get through this, one way to both forgive and to move forward while continuing to hike through the forest, and that is through our great healer. “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” Psalm 147:3 and “He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless… those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.” Isaiah 40: 29,31
So how do we write a happily ever after ending to our remarriage and blended family? By recognizing that the blessing we’ve been given is a chance at redemption, a second opportunity to show our children, family, friends, and even ourselves, God’s plan for marriage. We must lean into the hard, traipse through the most dense parts of the forest and trust that not only will God get us through, but on the other side He waits with a field of green and open arms. Know that you are not alone in your experience, and please know you have friends travelling alongside you, but most importantly, remember you have the greatest Hero by your side and that He has the light to shine even in the darkest places of your journey.